To be alone

I have come to enjoy being alone, reading, listening to podcasts and watching YouTube videos. I enjoy taking in as much knowledge as I can. I spend most of my time doing this in my bed while I’m laying down. Sometimes I’m sitting on the side of my bed, but for the most part, I’m spending most of my time away from everything and everyone and I’m just in my bed. This is the result of my clinical depression and at this point I have no desire nor motivation to change this behavior. Yes, that’s definitely a symptom of my clinical depression. So yeah, that’s just where I’m at at this point and I’m ok with it for now. I by no means feel lonely. I feel at peace about this yet at the same time I think I’m supposed to feel guilty or bad about it, and well… I just don’t. I just want to make a side note here, that I am in therapy.

I am now 55 years old, I have three grown adult children and three grandchildren. I am so proud of them. They were not raised to become Jehovah’s witnesses as I was. They were raised to think for themselves and to become their own individual self’s.

I love coming up with ideas for making videos. It’s takes days, oftentimes weeks for me to make one of my videos, I have one that I’ve been working on for over a year so far. But when I’m done, I have to feel good about it or I won’t share it. I usually have it proof read by someone who knows how to spell check my words and makes sure to get the meanings behind the words and message that I want to deliver. That’s very helpful because I’m not very confident in that area. Then I’ll go over it a few more times for the visual content that I have put together and see if I can make it a bit more creative and unique. Although I consider my self an activist within the Ex-JW community I believe I’m more of an artivist.

I’m coming to a place where I believe it could be helpful for me and possibly for others, for me to start putting together my story. On one hand, the thought of doing this is beginning to become very natural to me from a place in my heart that is saying, it’s time, yet on the other hand, I’m feeling very somber at the thought of putting myself through this. Reliving it and being that vulnerable is what I’m wanting to avoid. There has been a part of me thinking that it should be done in chronological order, but I get overwhelmed at the thought of having to make sure that it gets put together that way. Maybe if I just start to audio record what comes to mind as it simply comes to my mind, I can put it in order as I have more of my story recorded. Not push it, but rather allow for it to be revealed, at the times that it naturally chooses to be revealed.

I’m not really someone who is into writing a blog, This is my first one so I’m just sharing things off the top of my head about myself and my future plans. If you have any suggestions, I welcome them. I have no clue if and when I’ll write another one of these, but I’m hoping to do more.

Thank for reading

ApostaBabe Linda James